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Marvellous mum and marvellous Kaisa
At the moment I feel like my life is revolving around PND. I usually find it easy and enjoyable to sit at my computer daily and shape some thoughts into a blog post, but I’m totally coming up blank. All I can think about is PND… PND… I’m starting to bore myself and am getting worried about boring other people.
It’s a pretty exhausting thing to be dealing with. I’m experimenting with the medication I’m on at the moment as it makes me a bit fuzzy and sleepy – if I take it before bed it makes getting up the next morning impossible. Taking it after lunch makes me nap like a MoFo so I was at a bit of a loss until yesterday: taking it in the morning and then doing some sort of activity (even going for the shops, or for a coffee with a friend) seems to keep me awake and then leaves the rest of the day free from snoozeville. We’ll see.
I’m exercising, and that’s exhausting too. I (predictably) feel good afterwards, but the act of getting my trainers on and going out in the cold is bloody hard.
Post-run hair, oof.
The whole effort of it all is just leaving me knackered. The actual mental strain of being consistently positive, always looking forward, being happy. It leaves me wanting to go to bed and put my covers over my head but I don’t want to let myself do that. I need to keep going.
Despite all this effort and exhaustion I think I’m doing pretty well. I can’t remember the last time I spent all day in my pyjamas, I’m getting the kids out the house daily, feeling happy with my housework, drinking a small amount of wine rather than the bottle, EXERCISING! Some things are still sliding – I have people I’ve owed emails to for weeks (sorry!) – but at the end of the day I’ve been collapsing on the sofa rather than logging onto my computer.
A couple of weeks ago I had a setback thanks to something that I wish didn’t matter to me as much as it does. I took to my bed for an hour with Elfie while Hux napped (Peppa on the iPad = SAVIOUR) and then picked myself up, did some jigsaws and was rescued by my mum and dad who popped over to help with bedtime and give me some hugs. Am I concerned that at the age of 27 my parents still need to pick me up and make me better? Nah! After a couple of days I was back to thinking positive but it made me realise this journey is going to be a long one, nothing will be changing immediately.
Last weekend was brilliant. We went into London with some friends (and my parents, for they are FUN) for Future Cinema who have been featuring The Shawshank Redemption. It was something I wasn’t sure I’d like at all, but it was AMAZING. I had an absolute ball and the experience was totally made by our friends, my sisters (and brother) in law and those parents. Topped off by a hugely spicy curry at one of our old haunts Tayyabs and home super-late… it made me feel happy and alive and I’ve been on a high ever since. The next day’s hangover was not as life-giving but it was definitely worth it (and would completely recommend it as a once-in-a-lifetime experience!).
If you want to know what this was all about you’ll have to go yourself…
So for now I’ll keep plodding along, looking forward. Accepting help and hugs from my family and friends (seriously… it takes a crisis like this to realise how wonderful those closest to you are). Getting tired and giving myself a break. I can do it, I’m not scared anymore.