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So I have been tapping my fingers on my laptop for three days now, wondering how on earth to follow up the last post I did. This is the fifth time I’ve started writing something, all previous words have been deleted in frustration.
Firstly, a big thank you to everyone who commented, tweeted, emailed, text… I have felt really loved. The stories and kind words I’ve been sent have really helped and left me feel a lot more positive about the future. And positive is one thing I really am feeling at the moment: I’ve gone from being terrified of being on my own 6 months ago to living alone and thriving. I’ve learned so much about myself, what I’m capable of and what I want out of life.
The hardest thing in this whole process is the affect the split is having on the kids. Specifically on Elfie, Hux is too young to understand what’s going on. When Will first went to stay elsewhere I had a couple of heartbreaking weeks of her asking where her Daddy was, and saying that she was so sad that Daddy wasn’t at home. It was awful and I know Will found these early phone calls with her just as hard as I did. Her behaviour declined and she became clingy and anxious. She seems to have emerged out of the other side of this bad patch though and is as confident and happy as ever.
The split has had a positive experience on them in other ways, however. Both Will and I are spending a lot more quality time with them, going to toddler groups, crafting, cooking, visiting playgrounds. They now seem to feel very happy and I hope they continue to.
I’ve been surprised at the affect this has had on our friends. I expect from the outside our relationship has always looked pretty solid: probably because we’ve always been such good friends and have had no big public fallings out. I think a lot of people have been shocked at our news, as not only were we the first in our friendship group to get married but we’re also one of the first to split.
The questions I feel we need to ask each other are endless… do I change my name back? Do we get a quickie divorce or wait until we’ve lived apart for two years? Is Will going to get a permanent base up here or just have a place in London? Should I move back to London? What is a fair custody share if I’m working from home? What do we do at Christmas? How soon can I afford to do this on my own? ARGH! If anyone can enlighten me to the above, please do.
Single motherhood, let’s be having you.