Phrases I Thought I’d Never Say

“Don’t put marmite in your eye”
“Have you done a poo? Poo? Poo? Have you done a poo?”
“Stop blowing your nose on your toast”
“Dirty knickers are not for round your neck”
“Elfie, dirty, yuck, bin, NO, bin, dirty, NOT IN YOUR MOUTH”
“Don’t put your toast in your ear. Oh it’s a phone, not toast. Who’s on the phone? Hello, Father Christmas”
“Elfie, dirty, yuck, toilet, NO, dirty, don’t lick it”


“Is that your wand?”
“Goy goy goy goy goy goy goy”
“Squeeze Tigger’s hand. Squeeze it harder. Harder!”
“There is no need to blow your nose on the carpet of every single step”
“Here’s your banana, remember its not a phone”
“Please stop grabbing your… erm… er… fanny”
“What does a car say? What does a dog say? What does a baby say? What does a cow say?”

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  1. Katie wrote:

    Hahaha so true!

    Posted 2.7.12 Reply
  2. We ended up going for bits… which was lucky since Littler is utterly obsessed with hers and we end up having long (and public) conversations about who exactly has bits… yes darling you have bits, yes darling Bigger has bits, no darling Daddy doesn’t have bits (repeat as necessary)

    Posted 2.7.12 Reply
    • alice wrote:

      This made me laugh out loud so much – I’m actually quite looking forward to these awkward conversations about bits!!

      Posted 2.7.12 Reply
      • Hm. Looking forward to, eh? I give you this morning’s conversation: “Mommy? Last night when I slept, when I was lonely, I touched my bottom.* Mommy? I touched my bottom. Mommy? TALK to me Mommy, not like dat – ‘ok’ – TALK PROPERLY!”

        Well. What am I to say, properly?

        (I went with “Yes, you touched your bottom when you were awake in the night. That’s fine.”)

        * We say “crotch” for, well, front bottom (male – “Daddy has a funny crotch!” – or female). But sometimes she just sticks with bottom.

        Posted 2.7.12 Reply
        • alice wrote:

          I TAKE IT ALL BACK! My god!

          I had to read this comment out loud to my husband. It wins the award for best comment ever!

          Posted 2.7.12 Reply
        • Janet wrote:

          My pelvic floor is in no fit state for that comment.

          Posted 2.8.12 Reply
  3. Sara wrote:

    My ‘bits’ were referred to as my fairy. All was good until I started school and mrs millwood told us she was putting the fairy in the Xmas tree. Apparently I was horrified. As you would be.

    Posted 2.7.12 Reply
    • alice wrote:

      This is golden, Sara! Had to read it out loud to Will x

      Posted 2.7.12 Reply
  4. katyboo wrote:

    We went for willy and tried vagina. Turns out vagina is very hard to say. So it got turned into ‘willow’ and ‘china’. Not ideal I grant you, but these things stick.

    Posted 2.7.12 Reply
    • alice wrote:

      Willow and China are lovely!

      When my brother was about six he and his best friend came up with a new word for a vagina. Ever since then it has been known as a ‘nindin’.

      Posted 2.7.12 Reply
  5. Kyla wrote:

    My worst conversation was with Reuben my 4 yr old asking where babies came from…
    My reply was.. It’s complicated
    His reply shall I ask Koji (my other half) as he is cleverer than you…
    Me… Yes darling I think so.
    Koji’s answer you eat a seed and it grows a baby.
    Reuben is always asking when I’m going to eat the seed. He even stole some seeds from school to help mummy have a baby… To say I was mortified would be an understatement!!!

    Posted 2.7.12 Reply
    • alice wrote:

      I don’t know whether to go in the seed direction or to go the other way and be brutally honest! When I was a kid I was told the seed explanation and always envisaged my dad cutting open my mum’s belly to water her stomach with a watering can. Pleasant.

      Posted 2.7.12 Reply
  6. Daisy wrote:

    My boss was bathing his little girl who’s nearly 2 and she went ‘Daddy, this is my muffin!’ and pointed to her bits. He has no idea where she learnt it! Just another suggestion, haha x

    Posted 2.7.12 Reply
  7. Janet wrote:

    Becca is obsessed with wearing my pants at the moment. I don’t know how she finds them half of the time, but she will just rock up with a pair of my pants on. Her favourite way to wear them is an arm in each leg hole, like a backwards waistcoat. Or as some kind of stylish scarf. She could probably work a whole capsule wardrobe of my dirty pants.

    * pants would be knickers, because of the Geordieness

    Posted 2.8.12 Reply
  8. Mamabearuk wrote:

    Hahaha that is very funny, wiping her nose on stairs is better than on my shoulder every time I have to work as I don’t always notice. Um I tend to say noonoo but no idea why, need a better word. I need to think of something to call Lilys endless farts!!

    Posted 2.9.12 Reply
    • I am forever saying ‘Pop or Poo?’ to my toddler ‘Pop or Poo?’

      Posted 2.9.12 Reply
  9. LOVE this post, so so so so frigging funny!


    Posted 2.9.12 Reply
  10. Very funny indeed, ha ha. Why must they put all inappropriate things in their mouths too?!?!? The phrases I would add to this list are: “yes, those are mummy’s shows – no, no, don’t put them in your mouth, ugh, dirty, no” and “Allegra, no! no! that’s where Pigalle (the cat) goes to poo poo” x

    Posted 2.11.12 Reply