Before I had kids I literally had an infinite amount of time. Nothing, but nothing took too long because there was this huge abyss of empty time stretching before be, just waiting to be filled. If I chose to sleep 50% more than strictly needed? Fine… It’s not like I had anything else to do.
That’s the thing I am finding hardest at the moment. My time is not my own anymore. It takes me days and days to complete the simplest of tasks and emails that I would otherwise sat down and cracked ought in an hour of my infinite time get relegated to the bottom of the to-do list, which might mean in a week, a month, I dunno. I don’t reply to people for ages and the only reason I keep on top of my blogging is because I draft my posts in the middle of the night on my phone (like now, at the hugely unsociable hour of 4am).
There’s that saying, live every day like it was your last, or something. I really want to do this more, to make more of each day, but it’s so bloody hard when you’re so tired you feel like you’re wading through treacle. My eyes ache, my head is stuffy, nothing quite makes sense. I went 48 hours without showering last week because I was so tired, it was actually too much of an effort to stand under running water. I’ve spent the last 2 days frantically cleaning the house because if I stand still for longer than a minute I will fall asleep.
I’ve tried coffee and it works for a little bit of tiredness, but if I’m well and truly knackered then it just makes me feel jittery, wired yet weird. But still knackered. I try to sleep when the babies sleep, but then when does all the other stuff get done? Like eating, housework, WORK, emails, paying bills…
I wish I was Michelle Obama. She always seems so put-together, motivated and happy. I bet she never took her daughter to her grannies house in her slippers, or got to 3pm in the afternoon and realised she hadn’t brushed her teeth.
Parenting-wise this week has been the most difficult since Hux’s arrival. Elfie’s been getting up increasingly earlier (3.45am…), Hux can no longer be sent to sleep just by wafting him in the region of a boob and I’m putting more and more pressure on myself to start generating an income again. I love work, I miss work, and I enjoy not having the pressure of tight budgeting. How do I juggle these two little people who have such opposing sleep schedules at the moment?
I keep trying to repeat to myself things like “tomorrow is another day…” and “this too shall pass…”. It doesn’t really help.