I Haven’t Blogged In A While And I Guess This Is Why

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When it comes to single parenting one of the hardest things for me is all the decision making. And not even the big stuff, either: does Elfie need a pre-school logo fleece or coat or both? Should I keep Hux’s hair short or grow it long? When do I convert Hux’s cot into a big boy’s bed? Trivial things, but for me I can find it agonising to make them on my own. Even if it’s just for someone to be next to be in bed to me at 11pm saying: shut the hell up, it doesn’t matter if Hux potty trains in boxers or briefs.

(YES IT DOES!)

In case you’re wondering, Hux still has long hair, his cot is still in one piece and Elfie got the coat. Oh and I got briefs. You can sleep easy now.

I’ve been struggling recently with big decisions, ones about our future. We’ve been bumbling along happily in our little house in Milton Keynes for nearly a year now and I’ve been feeling it’s time to work out what I really want. What I want for the children, for my career and my home. It’s simultaneously completely overwhelming and intensely exciting to have the ability to make these plans single-handedly and I look forward to whatever the next ten years will bring. Once I decide what that is.

Sidenote: if I can’t choose between ‘fresh linen’ and ‘spring breeze’ fabric softener at the supermarket you better believe this decision making is a challenge.

I am a planner. At work, at home… there’s always a list, a plan, a strategy to get me from A to B. I don’t know if I’ve always been this way but I’ve noticed it more intensely ever since I’ve been alone. I want to be a good person and do the right thing by everyone in my life so I guess making a plan gives less room for error and regret. This is a fabulous trait to have at work but is harder in relationships – no man wants to give me their 5 year plan on the second date ;)

And that’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of weeks instead of blogging. Planning. Wondering who I want to be. Where I want to live. What I want to do. Some tough decisions were made (ooh vague) and situations discussed. I have more lines on my forehead than I used to but total satisfaction in my heart that I’m doing the right thing and moving forward with some excellent people. And one thing I learned in my process of soul-searching is that sometimes planning isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; your five year plan needs to have just a little wiggle room otherwise where are the fun surprises?

So I’m moving forward: happy in my work, happy in my relationship, more than happy with my babies (apart from the one who pooed on the carpet this morning… yes, you). This next year is going to bring more challenges and changes (and hopefully more blogging) but I’ve got this under control.

All those things that weren’t supposed to happen? They happened. What happens next is up to you.” – Hank Moody. 

11 Comments
  1. Oooh, sounds exciting! (Would you please just put us out of our misery and tell us already!) I agree with the whole decision making thing but it will get easier, I promise … and then you’ll never let anyone make a decision for you ever again, you’ll always want complete control! Which then brings with it its own challenges! x

    1. Yes! I’ve already had a few struggles with not being in total absolute complete 100% control in a situation with a man. Hopefully I’ll learn to back down again! x

  2. You are doing so great with the little decisions and the big ones too! Such a great mother. So proud of all that you do for them and yourself. One inspiring lady! Great post.

  3. Hugs! Change is always hard and wobbles are normal, but it’s necessary, if you don’t want to look back one day and say ‘if only I had…’.
    I am sure you are going to come out bigger and shinier (if that’s possible at all) at the other end, whatever you have decided. Do spill when you can. Please :-)
    Much love, Dxx

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