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Disclaimer: this is not motherhood
When I started this blog I wanted to be completely honest. I wanted to connect with other mums, other women out there who perhaps haven’t found pregnancy and motherhood to be the rainbows and unicorns party we are taught to expect, and to maybe make other mums realise they aren’t alone in the way they feel.
That’s why I’m saying this right now: I’m not coping well. With motherhood, with life, with it all.
There have been times before when I’ve found situations difficult, really rough times that have mostly been prompted by external factors. We all have bad days but we dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up and move on with our lives and that’s what I’m used to doing. It’s when you have more bad days than good, when the darkness you feel starts to negatively affect those you love the most that you need to do something about it. I think that’s where I’m at right now.
It has happened very gradually in my case, so gradually I haven’t really noticed it. The not wanting to leave the house, the losing interest in housework, the effort it takes to get out of bed. The exhaustion, the drinking that bit too much and overriding sense of sadness that won’t leave.
The thing that makes me feel the worst is that i cant justify feeling this way. I have a husband who is the best man I’ve ever met, two gorgeous children and a lovely house. We have our money worries but living on one salary, who doesn’t? We have our health, the means to put food on the table and the odd treat and a very supportive family close by. It doesn’t make sense.
Admittedly 2012 has been very emotionally draining in some ways with a hard pregnancy, birth and other family issues, but it hasn’t been anything that other families don’t go through. So why am I finding it so tough?
I am going to see 2013 as the chance to start anew. We are moving to a smaller house on the 11th January (to try and remove some of those money worries) and I have a doctors appointment on the 31st to ask for help. I’m planning on a quiet New Year’s Eve at home with a takeaway and a bottle of Appletiser in preparation for what I hope will be a healthier, more clean-living year ahead. Most importantly, I still have my sense of humour and ability to laugh which has been pretty essential in the last few weeks.
I know I need to be a bit more open with my friends and family and ask for their help too, but that’s the thing I find hardest. It ain’t cool to say you’re struggling and I’ve always found admitting my own weaknesses to be the hardest thing. To the point that it took many evenings of tears and argument to get to the point where i was able to tell Will how I am feeling. And even more tears until I could say the words ‘post-natal depression’ out loud. It still makes me feel very self-indulgent and selfish.
I hope 2013 will be a start to a happier me and a better mum. I know what makes me happy: a lovely warm home, working on projects, happy babies. Achieving good things with work and spending time as a family. It’s time to make these things happen.
Thank-you for listening: writing this down has helped. And if I’ve made at least one other mum nod in agreement then I’ve done my job. We are not alone x
(PS: you can re-create the unicorn/rainbow party with this Rainbow Cake but you must understand that life totally goes back to normal once the massive sugar high has worn off ;)