Me Motherhood


December 29, 2012

Disclaimer: this is not motherhood

When I started this blog I wanted to be completely honest. I wanted to connect with other mums, other women out there who perhaps haven’t found pregnancy and motherhood to be the rainbows and unicorns party we are taught to expect, and to maybe make other mums realise they aren’t alone in the way they feel.

That’s why I’m saying this right now: I’m not coping well. With motherhood, with life, with it all.

There have been times before when I’ve found situations difficult, really rough times that have mostly been prompted by external factors. We all have bad days but we dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up and move on with our lives and that’s what I’m used to doing. It’s when you have more bad days than good, when the darkness you feel starts to negatively affect those you love the most that you need to do something about it. I think that’s where I’m at right now.

It has happened very gradually in my case, so gradually I haven’t really noticed it. The not wanting to leave the house, the losing interest in housework, the effort it takes to get out of bed. The exhaustion, the drinking that bit too much and overriding sense of sadness that won’t leave.

The thing that makes me feel the worst is that i cant justify feeling this way. I have a husband who is the best man I’ve ever met, two gorgeous children and a lovely house. We have our money worries but living on one salary, who doesn’t? We have our health, the means to put food on the table and the odd treat and a very supportive family close by. It doesn’t make sense.

Admittedly 2012 has been very emotionally draining in some ways with a hard pregnancy, birth and other family issues, but it hasn’t been anything that other families don’t go through. So why am I finding it so tough?

I am going to see 2013 as the chance to start anew. We are moving to a smaller house on the 11th January (to try and remove some of those money worries) and I have a doctors appointment on the 31st to ask for help. I’m planning on a quiet New Year’s Eve at home with a takeaway and a bottle of Appletiser in preparation for what I hope will be a healthier, more clean-living year ahead. Most importantly, I still have my sense of humour and ability to laugh which has been pretty essential in the last few weeks.

I know I need to be a bit more open with my friends and family and ask for their help too, but that’s the thing I find hardest. It ain’t cool to say you’re struggling and I’ve always found admitting my own weaknesses to be the hardest thing. To the point that it took many evenings of tears and argument to get to the point where i was able to tell Will how I am feeling. And even more tears until I could say the words ‘post-natal depression’ out loud. It still makes me feel very self-indulgent and selfish.

I hope 2013 will be a start to a happier me and a better mum. I know what makes me happy: a lovely warm home, working on projects, happy babies. Achieving good things with work and spending time as a family. It’s time to make these things happen.

Thank-you for listening: writing this down has helped. And if I’ve made at least one other mum nod in agreement then I’ve done my job. We are not alone x

(PS: you can re-create the unicorn/rainbow party with this Rainbow Cake but you must understand that life totally goes back to normal once the massive sugar high has worn off ;)

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  • Reply MrsB December 29, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Oh I have been there and it’s not a nice place, BUT saying those words and asking for help is half the battle won! I’m sure you’ll come out of this stronger than ever. (and now I’m off to write a post that’s been long drafted in my head: “Parenthood Sucks Big Donkey Balls on Most Days & Especially on Long Holidays” :)

  • Reply MrsB December 29, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    PS. Here’s what I wrote about PND creeping up on me –

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      Thank you for this post – it all sounds so familiar! Especially the bit about neglecting the housework yet leaving everything to pile up. The cleaning and tidy has become so much it’s overwhelming at times yet having an untidy house really affects my mental state.

      I’m going to write another post with links to all the useful resources on PND I’ve come across recently, do you mind if I include your blog? x

      PS. LOVE the ‘Parenthood Sucks Big Donkey Balls on Most Days & Especially on Long Holidays’ post title. Not sure how SEO-able it’ll be though ;)

  • Reply Mummylimited December 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    I’m so sorry that you are feeling so low and honestly had no idea. You always seem so positive and together, as you say you have learnt to hide it. I hope that these honest conversations you’ve had and writing here help.
    I haven’t suffered PND, but can totally see how it creeps up on you. Even without things getting to that stage, motherhood is hard, especially when they are still so young, like yours (and mine are). It’s winter and the thought of getting them all bundled up to go out makes my heart sink. Some days I feel I want to walk out. The days are so long.

    Anyway, I am sure you will kick this and I just wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts xx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 9:44 pm

      Thank you for your comment Emily. I now have high hopes and much more positive feelings for the
      future xxx

  • Reply S December 29, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Admitting these things & asking for help will be the biggest release. I hope everything starts to ease up and you can have a fresh 2013 x

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 9:50 pm

      Thank you S – I really hope so too xx

  • Reply Katie December 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    I also had no idea you felt this way Alice, as you do come across with a bloody good sense of humour and a positive outlook to life. I think the first step is admitting to yourself that things aren’t rosy, now you can work to try and achieving your happy self back again.
    Parenting is so bloody hard, and I must admit I am nervous as hell about having two. One is hard enough. And I don’t think winter helps, this depressing weather and the long dark days can’t help but have a negative effect on anyone. And the lack of sleep with having a new Hux in the house can’t help either.
    It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive family and husband, and I am sure you will kick it. I have always thought that work seemed like a hugely important part of your life from reading your, so hopefully your new project will be a positive step in the right direction too.
    I hope 2013 brings you everything that you want and is a great year for you and your little family.
    P.S I still would love to meet for a coffee one day soon!

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 9:52 pm

      Always keep the sense of humour – that’s the most important thing ;) To be honest I think we’re quite similar in some ways, my home is my castle and all that, and the thing that made me realise something was definitely amiss was when I lost interest in housework!!

      I would love a coffee soon – in the new year? xxx

  • Reply Alison, Not another mummy blog December 29, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Oh Alice, I feel for you. You are very good at hiding how you’ve been feeling (which possibly isn’t a good thing).
    I know what you mean about saying “post-natal depression” feeling self indulgent and selfish but it really isn’t.

    I’m glad you’re taking steps to get yourself in a better place and it sounds like you have lots of supportive friends and family around you who can help. Your Twitter and blog friends will be here for you too Xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 9:54 pm

      Thank-you Alison. Twitter has been amazing – I wouldn’t have been with out it these last few days!! xx

  • Reply Hollie-Anne December 29, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Huge hugs! You are so brave for writing this. I struggle with guilt of feeling like this too. I have a lovely countryside home, I’m with the best man in the world, I have great friends, a great career, I’m doing well at Uni… what have I got to complain about? But sometimes it’s just DAMN HARD. I hate, hate, hate it when people seem to think I have the perfect life because they don’t see me when I can’t face doing the washing up, washing my hair or writing that report or newspaper article. I know how you feel and you’ve got so many people there for you. It’s great you’re going to seek help, I think that’s a very positive step.

    Much love, beautiful xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      Thank-you Hollie. It is bloody hard and I’m sooo familiar with the feeling of not being able to face wash my hair. I’m feeling so much more positive after hearing how common this is though and am looking forward to the future xx

  • Reply Clara December 29, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Dude, you are in no way being self indulgent. It’s self indulgent to languish in bed for a week but throw in the flu and its a horror. PND is a bastard that doesn’t care how blessed you are and will try to eat you up regardless. It doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate or love what you have, just that your body has gone a bit squiffy after cooking up a baby. Which is fair enough really.
    I ended up opening up to my husband after too many rows and tears and being too scared to say the words – the best thing is that you’re asking for help now and it should go away quickly once you get that ball rolling.
    If you ever need to chat or anything you know where I am.
    *big understanding hugs*

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:00 pm

      Thank you Clara! I’ve always loved your blog for the humour you bring to the subject of PND and I’m going to re-visit lots of your posts in the manner of a crazy stalker ;)
      I look forward to chasing away these black clouds xx

  • Reply Teapot December 29, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    I’ve never written a comment on a post before – I am merely a reader but your post has compelled me to write. I have two children – one 12 and one 2 (madness hey). I had PND with both. The first time was hard, I was 19 with a new baby and didn’t feel a bond with my baby. I didn’t tell a soul and felt very selfish. I just wanted to give her back and run away somewhere. It took me 5 years to finally tell someone how I felt.

    The second baby was slightly different. I was older (30), happily married and she was very much planned. I was apprehensive. I still didn’t get ‘an amazing rush of love’, I fell in love with her. It’s still no hearts and flowers but I’m better this time than last time. I went back on anti-depressants when she was 12 months old and definitely wasn’t prepared to let the feelings linger on this time round.

    Basically, there’s plenty of women like you, like me – yet it seems to be a massive taboo. I have spent years thinking I was a selfish cow, I wasn’t a good mother etc etc. the thing is we are – I’m just personally a women to whom which motherhood is not a natural strength. It doesn’t come easily and I have to work at it. Which I am totally prepared to do. You are not alone – I have spent days and weeks dreaming about running away, when I have the most amazing husband and children and we are ok financially. It’s not anything to do with any of those things. We are just slightly poorly inside and sometimes need a bit of help.

    Don’t be ashamed of how you feel. Like the other posters have said, it half the battle telling someone and you must explain to the doctor exactly how you feel (however bad you feel about saying it out loud). I thought my children would be at risk or I’d be sectioned but my doctor told me this couldn’t be further from the truth and the fact I was sat there explaining how I felt would ensure that things would never be that bad.

    Sorry for the essay but I promise things will get easier now you have spoken out. X

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:10 pm

      Thank-you so much for your comment. Hearing others’ experiences of PND help immeasurably as I recognise myself in your words. I hate the feeling that I’m being selfish, I find that the worst part, and it’s good to hear you say it (though I’m sorry you felt that way too).

      My shame is slowly dropping away. Thank you for reading xx

  • Reply Emma December 29, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Recognising an issue is the first step and saying it out loud is the second. So well done you for getting on the road to health and happiness. X

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:11 pm

      Thank-you Emma… I feel well on the way there now x

  • Reply Karen December 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I totally understand I have suffered and battled with PND for over a year and a half and I have had the deepest darkest days, I also saw my GP last year who was wonderful, I wanted to treat it alternatively as I am still (20 months and counting!) trying for another baby, so my GP helped me with many other ways to get back to normal, vitamin B6 & Evening Primrose oil have been my life saver and doing exercise whenever I can which is hard. I have read a few good books too and learn some tips and tricks along the way to help get me out of my funk as there are days when I can’t even get out of bed, those a far and few between now thank god! My other biggest help is my OH, he has had to learn to come to terms with it too and help when things are bad, he has learn t so much about PND and is amazing when I have a little wobble! Strangely enough part of my job includes working with mums who suffer with PND and this is like therapy some days and I learn to cope better by supporting them too, there are so many women out there suffering and it still shocks me how much of a taboo it still is! With all your support you will find your way again and get back to being you, just have faith, accept the support, be kind to yourself and find out what works best for you, if you ever want to chat more about all the ways I have learnt to cope or just a friendly Hi with someone who gets it I am always around on Twitter! Sending love x x

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:14 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment Karen! My OH has been as understanding as possible but I think it’s been quite tough on him and my immediate family too, they’re aren’t sure what to make of it I think. They are being very understanding, especially after reading my blog post and I’m sure I’ll be bombarding them with plenty of information soon ;)
      Thank you very much for your support xxx

  • Reply Peggy December 29, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Oh Alice, I am very sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way and I haven’t got much more to say that hasn’t already been said except well done for puting it into words, that alone is a bloody big step!
    Good luck an your road to recovery, you will only be stronger xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:16 pm

      Thank-you Peggy. Writing it down has made me feel so much better already xx

  • Reply nyssapod December 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    You are very brave and thoughtful and strong – and you will get through this. Life as a stay at home parent is tough, no matter how lovely your spouse and children.
    Remember the nights are drawing out now and spring will arrive. In the meantime, a dawn alarm clock can help, as can getting outside whenever it isn’t tipping it down. Good luck xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:17 pm

      Thank you Ruth. Getting outside is the big thing for me – I dread it but know it makes me feel a million times better xx

  • Reply Mammasaurus December 29, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Writing a post like this really will help you more than you might first think and without meaning to sound like an old skool BT advert – it’s good to talk.

    You are doing all the right shizzle, telling people how you feel, arranging to see your GP and so hang in there – it will seem brighter, honestly.

    Here’s to a positive 2013 xx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:18 pm

      Thanks Annie. I feel a trillion times more positive having written all this down so hoping this is the start of a new beginning xx

  • Reply Tori December 29, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Hi love – in the words of Charlie Brown (that has been played over and OVER in this house over the festive season) ‘if you seek help you obviously aren’t too far gone’. In all seriousness I completely relate to your post, having suffered PND twice now, feeling the incredible guilt because I have ‘nothing to be depressed about’ – worrying that how much I struggled in the early weeks has impacted negatively on Joseph’s development (i.e. not as advanced on his speech as some and we had a spectacular failure this past week trying to potty train, etc). I could go on, however I think we all know that mother-guilt is a total bitch.

    With PND your brain rewires a bit differently with all of the hormones that have been surging through you over the recent years – 2012 will be the first year in four that you haven’t been pregnant, postnatal and breastfeeding or facing adversity in learning about Elfie’s health circumstances. The one piece of advice, for what it is worth, is don’t feel like you have failed by going on medication if that is what is right for you, and to be honest with your GP.

    Give me a shout if you ever need a chat, or if you ever feel like driving down to London with the kiddies for an epic playdate in Highbury…

    It will get better – promise.


    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Thank you Tori. I’ve experienced lots of guilt like that, too. Hux is light for his age so I worry it’s my fault for not being proactive with his weaning when really in my rational mind I know he has only just become interested in it (at 7 months) and can’t even sit up on his own, but then ARGH is that my fault too? And on and on and on…

      Seriously, nobody tells you about this stuff!

      You are so right that this is the first year in four that I’m clear of hormones (and my mum pointed out today what a rational and logical statement of advice this is!) and I think I just need to give myself a break.

      Will definitely be belling you up for a playdate. I miss Highbury xx

      • Reply Tori December 31, 2012 at 11:14 am

        Weaning, meh. Sam is 6 months on Wednesday and I don’t intend to start him straight away – he’s not sitting unaided and doesn’t appear interested in food… I anticipate it may be more like 7 months when we start. I weaned Joseph at 5 months and it didn’t make a bit of difference to the fact that he was on the 25th centile. You are very petite so it may be that genes are playing a part here. I constantly got comments from a mum ‘friend’ that he was ‘so so light’/’gosh he doesn’t weigh much does he’/’oh he’s so little’ making me feel like I was starving him or something (needless to say, I don’t go out of my way to hang out with her any more). I now have the opposite supposed problem with Sam, (well meaning, I’m sure) people saying ‘he’s SO BIG (yes he’s on the 90th centile, so what?), you’ll need to wean him early. He can’t possibly be satisfied only breastfeeding’ or ‘you need to wean him so he’ll sleep through the night’ etc etc. You can’t bloody win. As long as they are happy and healthy, who cares where they plot on a scale that does not take into account ethnicity, genetic predisposition or environmental factors?

        Hope the visit to the GP goes OK.


        • Reply Tori December 31, 2012 at 11:16 am

          Ha ha I just saw that Terrance and Philip are in the rainbow picture. Nice one.

  • Reply Kaisa Larkas-Mossop December 29, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    I’m so glad you wrote this post! As you know, I’ve ‘been there, done that’ and it definitely helps to talk. I’m so glad you’ve booked an appointment to go and talk to someone!
    Next year will be better. I’ve finally realised that things may not be any better or less hectic any time soon but it is how you deal with it that matters. Let’s clear our heads and do the ‘Dry Jan’ and I will come and drag you out for my Pop Fitness class and walks/jogs. I promise, exercise helps to clear your head!
    Big hugs and I will ring you coon!xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:31 pm

      Thank you lovely. I will DEFINITELY be doing your class from the monday after we move (14th) and have told Will that we need to make it a regular thing that he has the kids every monday evening so I can join you. My dry jan has started already (I haven’t had a drop since your house!) and I’m a little big excited to go a whole month clear headed! Let’s go for a coffee soon xxxx

  • Reply Aly December 29, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    I’ve been a sufferer both of pre-natal and post-natal depression for the last 10 or so years.Getting yourself motivated is very hard but crafts, lists, getting out for walks, joining a local group and making time for yourself are always I manage mine.I did CBT and not anti-depressants before my life started to began getting some order.Good luck x

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:33 pm

      Thanks Aly. I’m hoping my GP will be able to refer me for some sort of CBT tomorrow xx

  • Reply Primrose Hill December 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Sorry to hear you’re feeling low, but glad you’re getting help. I’ve not had PND but I know life is hard enough juggling two little ones without adding that black cloud. Here’s to a sunny 2013 xx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:44 pm

      Thank-you. Yes, here’s to 2013 being sunny… literally and figuratively! xx

  • Reply susanne@babyhuddle December 29, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Well done for taking the first step and recognising you need help. You will be ok, I’m talking feom experience too


    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:45 pm

      Thank-you Susanne :) xx

  • Reply Helen Braid December 29, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Sounds like 2013 is going to be your year. Admitting your feelings and asking for help was the hardest bit – the only way is up from here…

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:49 pm

      I really hope 2013 is my year. If it isn’t I’m asking for my money back! Thanks, Helen :)

  • Reply Charlotte December 29, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Al. You aren’t alone. I feel guilt every single day and I’m not sure if I can fully voice how I feel. I think you come across as a beautiful, witty, determined and happy mother. But you don’t need to be happy all the time. On paper I have a lot but I still feel blue some days. Guilt is the second emotion after love when you are a mother it seems. We probably won’t ever meet, but I wish we could so I could get you rat-arsed on Expresso Martinis et al. xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:50 pm

      Thank-you Charlotte. You are one of the mums who inspire me the most! I think the love you have for William shines through like a beacon through your face (in a really attractive way, obvs ;). So your words really mean a lot xx

  • Reply mel molloy December 29, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    your post stood out on my feed today, i too have had this gradual creep throughout 2012…and similiar experiences (difficult pregnancy, 2nd baby, etc). i too cannot understand it. its infuriating and somedays all encompassing. whatever you do, do not feel alone, and be so proud of yourself for asking for help. things can only get better x

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:52 pm

      Thank-you so much for your comment Mel! knowing I’m not alone has been the biggest help ever. Here’s for a happier 2013 for both of us xx

  • Reply Tasha Goddard December 29, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Well done and good luck. You have taken the first steps to feeling better. It might take some time, but you will get there and you will have lots of support. Lots of love. T xxx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 10:58 pm

      Thank-you Tasha. I really help so and everyone’s comments have meant so much :) xxx

  • Reply Becky December 29, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Hi Alice,

    I have only been reading your blog for a few weeks (i’ve only been blogging myself for the last couple of months!) and thoroughly enjoy it- in fact, the first thing I thought when I read your blog was “wow, there is someone like ME out there too!”. Because I too am a twenty-something mother of two who had a decent career in the city, but has given it up for the time being to raise our kids (my son is 22 months and my daughter is 7 months). It’s hard when most of your ‘original’ mates aren’t even married yet, let alone caring for 2 tiny children. I find this especially difficult as I was (and still have a pre-disposition to be) a bit of a party girl, and whilst I feel much happier and healthier now drinking a little less and having fewer wild nights, it’s hard to juggle your identity as the ‘good time girl’ and the ‘mother of two’. I’m never quite sure what people expect of me now, or what I expect of myself for that matter, and that can be hard to deal with. I think you’ve done a great thing admitting you need help and support, and laying off the booze will help (I did this for several months a few years back, and it really helped my low mood). In October just gone I really thought I was suffering from mild PND – I cried all the time and just couldn’t be arsed with anything. Throw in my daughter being ill after she was born, then I was ill in hospital for a week, a couple of relationship blips, moving house twice in 2012 (and renovating a new one), generally looking after a newborn and an older baby, and you have a recipe for PND. Luckily things seem to have got better on their own, but I have no doubt that if i’d have carried on feeling the same into November, I would’ve been straight down the docs. Sorry to waffle, but I want you to know you’re not alone, I really resonate with this post, and I think you’re very brave for sharing. Sharing is often the first weight off the shoulders. Have a fabulous New Year with your lovely family. *clink clink* to the Appletiser!

    Becky x

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 11:05 pm

      Hi Becky, thank you so much for your comment! I’ve never come across your blog before but it’s absolutely lovely, consider me a new follower!

      You’re right, it’s so hard when you are the only mother in your circle of friends (though we left most of our friends behind in London when we moved, sniff sniff). Glad to meet a fellow party girl who has trouble with the identity shift to mother. xxx

      • Reply Becky January 1, 2013 at 10:17 pm

        Hope you had a happy new year Alice! Followed you back on twitter and saw that you now live in Olney- I know it well! I grew up in Bedford and went to Sharnbrook Upper School and quite a few people lived in Olney/Lavendon/Turvey. Olney is lovely- are you planning on staying in the same area when you move house, or somewhere completely different?

        • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:22 pm

          I do! I love Olney, I didn’t grow up here but my mum did and she and my dad now live in Sherington. I have lots of family here and my mother in law recently moved here too. We love it as it’s so close to London and my husband commutes in. We’re staying here for the long-term, I think: the schools here are brilliant and we’ve made some good friends. Have you ever considered returning? x

          • Becky January 3, 2013 at 8:55 pm

            Glad you enjoy it there so much! I don’t think i’ll be returning to live in that neck of the woods sadly for a number of reasons- my partner works locally to us here so doesn’t really have to commute, but the main reason is he’s from here originally, and his parents live up the road so are a great family support, plus we have lots of friends down here (and his bloody beloved football club that he plays for!). I do miss my old school friends though who still live in Bedford and my Mum, although she visits lots. I would like a less hectic lifestyle in the not too-distant future so village life massively appeals to me. Will just have to convince the OH!

            Hope your docs appointment went well.

  • Reply Michelle twin mum December 29, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Massive well done getting this out there. I too have been there & felt a failure & embarrassed to admit I had PND as I had everything to be thankful for. Talking was my saviour, I just kept harping on & getting it out there and it helped so much. I pray 2013 is a good one for you. Mich x

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 11:06 pm

      Thanks Michelle! The talking bit still feels a bit foreign to me but I’m going to keep at it, especially when I’m not feeling good. I might bore a few readers in the process but hey, it’ll keep me sane so it’ll be worth it! x

  • Reply Emma December 29, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    Love your blog, but this is only the second time I have ever come out of the woodwork to comment – and it is just to say that every time I read your blog I am amazed at how much you manage to juggle on a daily basis and am completely in awe. Admitting you find things hard is a huge step, and I hope 2013 brings you all you wish for xx

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 11:08 pm

      Thank-you so much for your lovely comment. Very occasionally I pat myself on the back for a decent juggling act but I am my own worst enemy, always thinking about others who have it harder than me and thinking how they cope better than me! I bet the mothers I hold up as shining beacons of parenting example don’t cope as easily as they seem to do, like me ;)

      I feel very hopeful that 2013 will be a brand new year and a brand new me xx

  • Reply Tara December 29, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Alice, please don’t forget you are the BEST Mum you can be to your children. I was so sad to read that you haven’t been feeling yourself. Sending lots of good happy thoughts, you will get through this and be stronger for it X

    • Reply alice December 30, 2012 at 11:12 pm

      This comment really made me smile, thank you Tara xx

  • Reply HRynne December 29, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    I too recently came to the conclusion I needed a little help from my gp for the same prob and it was the best decision following a few months telling myself I’m stronger than that…I dont need help….my female gp was and still is amazing which helps. Great post, well done for taking the step forward x

    • Reply alice December 31, 2012 at 12:15 pm

      I’m glad you were able to come to that conclusion too, I’ve found it so hard! thank you for your lovely comment xx

  • Reply One very proud dad December 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    it’s so hard to to look at yourself and recognise something that you are not proud of , its even harder to admit it and talk about it. Thank you Alice for your honesty. I am a really proud dad, I was unable to do this for many many years.

    Any help you want please ask. Love you lots xxxxx

  • Reply Emma @emvanstone December 29, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    oh lovely. I just wanted to send you a big hug and tell you how brave you are. I hope things get better soon. xxx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:19 pm

      Thank-you Emma xxx

  • Reply Molly December 29, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Oh lovely, it’s a brave thing you’ve done, writing this and reaching out for help. And a huge achievement to get to the place where you’re doing something about making yourself feel better. 2012 has been a tough year for me too and I’m hoping 2013 will be a better one once some changes are made. You will find the happiness again, I’m sure of it. Huge cyber hugs to you. xxx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:19 pm

      Thank-you Molly. I hope your 2013 is much better too! xx

  • Reply Gail December 29, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Huge hugs to you, you lovely lady. Fingers crossed for useful help from the GP and well done for being proactive and asking for help xx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:33 pm

      Thank-you Gail xx

  • Reply Donna @ Little Lilypad Co December 29, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    I dont have experience personally but I can see from your post that you really are strong. So I am simply sending you strength and love x

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

      Thank-you Donna xx

  • Reply Richmond Mummy December 30, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Oh Alice, it made me so sad to read this, to hear that you have been struggling and putting a brave face on it all, but well done for voicing how you’re feeling and it sounds like you have a plan in place and a tremendous family around you to help you on the road to recovery. Regardless of how supportive your husband and family are, you’ve had an awful lot to deal with in a short space of time and that would test anybody, so don’t for one minute feel you’re being self-indulgent or a wimp for feeling this way. I wish you all the luck and love in the world for a positive and brighter 2013 and beyond. Always here for hugs and chats and meet-ups, big kiss xxx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:37 pm

      Thank-you Bianca, your lovely comment brought a big smile to my face :) xxxx

  • Reply Domestic Goddesque December 30, 2012 at 9:01 am

    This is one of those times that I wish I lived on your doorstep so that I can come over and give you a giant squodge. Because I know precisely what it is like to feel this way. It definitely comes under the heading “things they don’t tell you in NCT class”. Hopefully the comments that so many people have left will make you realise that a) this is more common than you would think. Which is why it’s so important to write it down/say it out loud/talk to people: so that you don’t feel you are alone. And b) so that you know you have all the support you need or want to help get you through this. Because you can get through this. Big hugs, lovely.

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm

      I have been amazed at how common this is! Not feeling alone has made such a difference and everyone’s comments have put a smile on my face. I am looking forward to what’s ahead for the first time in a long while :) xxxx

      • Reply Domestic Goddesque January 2, 2013 at 7:37 pm

        That’s great news, Alice. And from the looks of it, you’ve got some great plans in place. Do let me know if I can help though. PND is a bitch.

  • Reply Jennie December 30, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Masses of love and respect to you.
    Am sure that you couldn’t be a better Mum than you already are though…..
    Will be raising a glass of appletise to you tomorrow night and wish you health and happiness in 2013 xxxxxx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:51 pm

      Thank-you Jennie! I went crazy and drank half a bottle of Appletise, woooh!xx

  • Reply Olivia December 30, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    ‘And if I’ve made at least one other mum nod in agreement then I’ve done my job. We are not alone x’
    Well all I can say is, job done. Thank you, selfishly, for sharing this.
    I can only wish you and your family the very best for the coming year; I wish you an amazing 2013 and know it will be a positive, new step change for you all x

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:53 pm

      Thank-you Olivia. I wish you a great 2013 too xx

  • Reply Elliotandme December 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Such a brave post, well done for writing it and for sharing.
    2013 will be such a different year for you especially now you have sought help. I’m sure you already feel brighter just through having a plan.
    I’ll be watching your story – have had a tough year myself and inspiring stories like yours do help the rest of us deal with our own issues in a more honest and pragmatic way.
    In the meantime, just remember that there is something good in reaching rock bottom, it means that the only way is up from here.
    Lots of love xx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:55 pm

      Thank-you! That ‘the only way is up’ mantra has been bringing me a lot of comfort :) xxx

  • Reply Liz @babywearsprada December 30, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    So after your tweet I just read your Dad’s comment above- I also appear to have something in my eye now….

    Sending much love and good luck for your appointment tomorrow. x x x

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      Thanks Liz xxx

  • Reply Heather December 31, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Hi Alice,

    First comment here but I’ve been reading for a few months, you came up in a google search for “36 weeks pregnant” I think and your posts on birth etc really helped me prepare for mine.

    Admitting to yourself and your husband that you aren’t feeling right is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself for making it. After I had my baby boy in September I realised that I wasn’t feeling right and eventually I spoke to my midwife about it and had another appointment with her to go through it all. That was for birth trauma rather than PND though, but it really helped and admitting that I wasn’t feeling right and asking for her help was the best thing I did. I wrote about it on my blog afterwards (which isn’t what my blog was about so it was a bit out of context) and it made me feel so much more normal because other people shared their experiences too.

    Anyway, wishing you the best with your recovery – well done for taking the first steps x

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 1:09 pm

      Hi Heather! Thanks for your comment – I’ve just read your post and it sounds like you have handled it incredibly well. I think the thing about childbirth is that we think about how we want it to go for such a long time (I know I did!) and so it can be such a let-down to not get the birth we want. I know I was gutted when I found out I had to have my first caesarian (I’d planned a beautiful hypnobirth!) and it took me a long time to realise the decision was completely out of my hands.

      Lovely blog – I’ve been wanting to take up crochet for a while so I will be following with interest :) xx

  • Reply Workingberlinmum December 31, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Thank you for writing such an honest and open post. I went through some really tough years during my last pregnancy and first years with my son and knowing what is about to come with baby No. 2 (due in 3 weeks) I have fear of going back to the depths I was in before. I think whatever our situations, whether supposedly ‘perfect’ like having a loving husband, beautiful children, a house etc or whether you are a struggling single parent, it doesn’t mean we don’t get affected by what is happening around us. Some of the most seemingly ‘sorted’ people have many hidden problems in their cupboards. It’s great that you are opening up and if you can do it with friends (something I too struggle with) it may well start to help to make that darkness disappear. All the best to you for the new year and I hope things turn around for you, with the start of opening up, it likely will xx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 1:14 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I’ve been following your pregnancy – can’t believe it’s only three weeks to go! I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts :) xx

      • Reply Workingberlinmum January 2, 2013 at 1:57 pm

        It’s gone pretty fast!!! Thank you very much for thinking of me :) xx

  • Reply Heather Growing Spaces January 1, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Motherhood is bloody tough. Sometimes it just feels like an endless slog. I go through times when I feel sort of on top of it, and other times I’m drowning, and every second feels like a struggle. Then I talk to those I love and make adjustments to give myself a bit of space to breathe and to restock my mental and emotional reserves. And I don’t even have sleep deprivation to take into account like you! Be kind to yourself and I hope you feel more like yourself soon. Xx

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      Thanks Heather, I hope so too and am sure things will get better soon. Some sleep would be nice, you’re right ;) xx

  • Reply Nony January 1, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    I would just like to say you are soooooo not alone. I think as women we create these expectations on our selves and what our lives should be, and even more so once we become mothers. I had my share of the blues after having our son and money being a huge part of it for me ( being on a single income as well). Power to you girl for creating the change and getting the monkey off your back! Some times we get so closed off in our own crazy little world- that being our heads- that we can’t even see reality anymore… (and it doesnt help when we are cooped up at home in the winter by our selves with our children)I think as women and mothers we need to come together and stick together! Heres to 2013!

    • Reply alice January 2, 2013 at 9:41 pm

      Thank-you Nony, you’re right in that there is a whole other expectation as soon as we become mothers, nothing like I’ve ever felt before. We have to be mothers, wives, housekeepers and I do feel a bit of a pressure to earn money as I’m able to from home. Don’t get me wrong – I like a bit of pressure but we’re only human!

      Bring on 2013! xx

  • Reply From fun to mum January 2, 2013 at 12:22 am

    Oh Alice! I look at you, your blog, your tweets, your mama magazine, your 2 kids, your cooking and I wonder how you do it all.
    I’m sorry to hear about how you’re feeling at the moment, but, from having suffered with panic attacks in the past and having done meds and counselling for it, I know that with a bit of help you’ll bounce back stronger.
    I know this because you are admitting you need the help and because you have a lot of energy for someone who is a bit depressed so I can only imagine what you’ll be like when a bit of positivity comes back in your days.
    CBT is amazing and helped me more than the meds in the long run. Maybe look into it if you can get a referral.
    Lots of warm hugs and I hope to see you soon (I’m coming to POP on the 8th)

  • Reply Nikki January 6, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I’ve not been keeping up with blogs recently, so only just got to this, but I wanted to say that people like you being honest is so helpful. I’ve got no experience to offer, but just wanted to say I hope you find the peace you deserve xx

  • Reply Anna @ greenteantoast January 6, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling like this Alice. Mothering two little people can be tough sometimes and it’s hard to fess up to feeling low, such are the expectations we put upon ourselves. Sounds like you’re already looking on the positive side of 2013 – so hope it’s a great year for you. I’m sure it will be x

  • Reply Leah January 8, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    I’m a lurker who has been reading for a while but wanted to say you are so brave and strong and hope you feel better soon. I read a really good quote once, it was something like ‘Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, its a sign of being too strong for too long’… or something like that. Hopefully you get the idea, always struck a chord with me Xx

  • Reply lauranne January 11, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Your post totally struck a chord with me

    “but that’s the thing I find hardest. It ain’t cool to say you’re struggling and I’ve always found admitting my own weaknesses to be the hardest thing. To the point that it took many evenings of tears and argument to get to the point where i was able to tell Will how I am feeling. And even more tears until I could say the words ‘post-natal depression’ out loud. It still makes me feel very self-indulgent and selfish.”

    I have never had post natal depression, in fact I have never had a child as at 27 I still don’t feel old enough or ready for that part of my life. However, I did have to leave my last job having been horrendously bullied by my boss for well over 2 years, the man completely destroyed me to the point that I thought many times about driving into the barrier in the mild of the A1 to hopefully break a few bones and get some time of work. Even know my confidence is not right, and I he was responsible for me for getting into such a dark horrible place, yet I didn’t admit it to anyone, felt a fraud for having counselling (on two different occasions) and still feel that maybe it was just me being too sensitive (although I have had work colleagues and other people who knew this man confirm that he was just a …..)

    I just wanted to say thank you for sharing you feelings, it has helped me feel a little better!

    I hope you have a fab 2013!

  • Reply Grenglish January 22, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    I can’t believe I have only just seen this. I am so sorry you are going through this lovely lady, it makes me so sad. It must have taken real guts to write this, which you have by the bucket load. You will come through this xxxxx

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