Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Pregnant

February 29, 2012

– When multiple people tell you to “get your sleep in now, you won’ t be getting any once the baby’s here, hohoho” you will want to punch them in the face. Don’t, because they’re right.

– Daytime TV really does get boring. Apart from Come Dine With Me and Desperate Housewives.

– There is nothing like worrying about tiny babies. Metaphorical burglars/child kidnappers and shopping centre baby snatchers become an actual possibility.

– Because of these metaphorical burglars (who will strike in the middle of the night) you will never fall into a deep sleep ever again.

– Piles are actually real and do happen. They aren’t just made up to scare you into not getting pregnant, dammit.

– Learning the skill of peeing into a really really tiny receptacle is vital.

– You will become so used to dropping your pants that you absentmindedly go to unbutton your jeans when a stranger asks you for the time.

– Aches and pains appear in places you never thought existed, see: SPD in your crotch, cramp in your calf muscles. OUCH.

– Peeing becomes not just a random bodily function but something you need to do ALL THE TIME.
– Climbing stairs becomes a work-out: something to do with a decreased lung capacity.

– Absolute strangers come up to you in the street and touch your tummy, telling you with absolute certainty that by the shape of your bump you are having a boy/girl/unicorn, and you will want to punch them in the face. Don’t, even when you know they’re wrong, because it’s usually an old lady.

– Being a mother is the funnest job ever.

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  • Reply Richmond Mummy February 29, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Hahaha so true! Sorry to hear you’re having lots of aches and pains though :-( xxx

    • Reply alice February 29, 2012 at 10:29 pm

      Just the usual – nothing too bad! xx

  • Reply Domestic Goddesque February 29, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Gah- those three little letters, S, P and D. Enough to make me feek nauseous. Sympathy.

    • Reply alice February 29, 2012 at 10:30 pm

      Thank you! It’s not too bad, enough that I can feel it in my crotch when I’ve overdone it slightly though!

  • Reply Josie March 1, 2012 at 8:50 am

    If I hear that first one again I’m going to scream. Even my optician told me about the lack of sleep gleefully.

    I think it’s the smug way people do it that annoys me!

    • Reply alice March 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm

      yes – that’s it! It’s the smugness that’s so very annoying!

  • Reply Jordan Marie March 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Lol.. One of my favorite posts so far!

    Scarlett is about to turn one, but I still remember these moments you’ve described like yesterday.

    I’m sad to say that I never successfully peed into the tiny cup w/o getting it all over myself. Lol.


    • Reply alice March 5, 2012 at 8:05 pm

      I’ve become quite successful at the whole cup-peeing game now, I can do it completely cleanly but I’m sure that’ll get harder as the pregnancy progresses!

  • Reply nath March 2, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    35w and laughing through your post… you loose all your inhibitions and yes, so true about the dropping the trousers…

    • Reply alice March 5, 2012 at 9:02 pm

      So true, SO many people have now seen my hoo-ha!

  • Reply SAHMlovingit March 3, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Haha, being almost 36 weeks pregnant I *love* this post.

    Although I didn’t like seeing the word ‘piles’ – damn them…DAMN THEM! Really not happy about that one.

    • Reply alice March 5, 2012 at 9:03 pm

      Nobody tells you about them! I have made it my personal mission to talk about piles to as many people considering getting pregnant as possible. KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO!

  • Reply sarsm March 4, 2012 at 8:18 am

    So true. And to think you may well go on and do it all again!! I did it four times!!!!

    I could take your list and wave it around at the doctors and for sure I’d get certified.

    What is it with strangers thinking they have the right to touch your tummy? Argh!!!

    • Reply alice March 5, 2012 at 9:04 pm

      If you did it four times it can’t be all that bad, can it?!

  • Reply Hannah March 4, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Here’s one I wish I knew beforehand: every time you mention something you do/are interested in/plan to do during your mat leave, people will smugly say ‘Well, you’ll have your hands full when the baby comes along, won’t you?’ as if having a baby means NEVER DOING ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN. Like writing a blog post. Or watering my allotment. And yes, I do want to punch them.

    • Reply alice March 5, 2012 at 8:08 pm

      I hate this, too! It’s the smugness as well that I can’t stand, and the insinuation that your life is over once you have a baby. I will continue to have a very lovely life, thank you very much.

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