Ramblings On Love For My Children

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It’s no secret that I spent a lot of my pregnancy with Hux worrying about… well… my life with Hux. I was terrified, TERRIFIED, about being a mother of two. So much so that I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy as much as I should have done, regardless of that 6 month ill-fest I endured.

I remember not only being knee-quakingly worried about looking after two children under two at once but also very hesitant about how my heart would fare. I love Elfie so much, I wondered how on earth there would be room for more love. These worries were probably in part down to how long it had taken me to get that thunderbolt of love with Elf, though luckily it happened much sooner with Hux. Despite not being thrilled at the idea of having a boy I fell in love with him HARD.

After Hux came home I felt such a relief; he’s always been a good baby so my worries about juggling two kids went out the window. Though now he is an enthusiastic army crawler with a penchant for putting dirty potties on his head life is a bit tougher, but hey, I’m not breastfeeding any more so wine is a viable relaxation tool.

Hux has fully established himself in the lives of not just me, but his dad, his grandparents and sister. We have our routines, our nicknames, our games. We all rub along together very nicely and it’s only now that I’m starting to think about the relationships we all share. And it’s funny that, although I used to worry that when Hux came along I might not be able to love him as much as Elfie, I never used to think about what would come next. Once I was no longer worried about making room for him in my heart I didn’t think about our evolving relationships 6 months or a year down the line.

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Because the truth is that the relationship I have with my children is quite different. I love them both til the ends of the earth but the love I feel for one is not the same as the one I feel for the other.

When Elfie was younger I was a bit scared of her. We went through so much with her illness and diagnosis… I feel like I backed off a bit when she was so poorly. I didn’t want to lose her, I didn’t want to be heartbroken.

Hux has always been different. He’s a total mummy’s boy, happiest in my arms, being toted around on my hip, with my nose on his. He loves anything I do and thinks I am absolutely hilarious (that makes one person). Each time I pick him up he does this little wriggle and chuckle of happiness and snuggles onto my shoulder and I swear it makes my heart sing. It’s divine.

On the other hand my relationship with Elfie is slightly trickier. I love her no less than Hux but she is very headstrong, more volatile with her emotions. I had the happiest hour yesterday on the sofa talking and reading with her, spending most of the time sniffing the top of her head (childless people: there is nothing like the smell of your kid’s head), but she’s a difficult one. If she spends a long amount of time with her daddy she will return home to me and be 100% her Daddy’s girl. Daddy has to do EVERYTHING. Ditto with Grannie. Fine with me when there is poo involved but in other situations it does make me a little sad. For example, one lazy morning in our bed she hugged Will and said “I love daddy” and I asked if she loved mummy too. She said “no, me just love daddy”. Waaah!

But then this morning she snuggled up under my armpit, totally unprompted and said “Mummy, I love you soooooooo much”.

See? Totally fickle.

I get it, she’s a girl, we have complex emotions. God knows I’m as fickle as they come. But faced with the undying, unconditional love I get from Huxley, it is sometimes hard that she pushes me away.

But then we walk hand-in hand for a bit and I give her head a good old sniff and all is forgotten. No matter how much she tells me she would rather not eat my slaved-over spaghetti or she wants a hug only from her grandma and not from mummy my feelings don’t change. I love her just as much as my mummy’s boy.

Having kids has taught me so much but one of the most important lessons has been about love. Pure, wonderful, unconditional love that you have only for your children; the love for your husband that grows and evolves as he becomes a father; the love for your own parents and the family you married in to. It’s a lovely, scary, humbling, heartwarming lesson.

12 thoughts on “Ramblings On Love For My Children

  1. Sounds so like my kids, only mine were born the other way around. In fact I wrote about it earlier in the week, how they are so different and it’s impossible to deal with them and treat them the same way. I don’t love them the same way either, the same AMOUNT but a different way.
    I do think boys make life a lot easier for their mamas, they are so simple and chilled. And it should come as no surprise to us complicated females, that daughters are trickier. But I guess the trade off comes in the future, because I think girls tend to continue to need their parents in a way that boys don’t (which just about breaks my heart! How am I supposed to let my lovely little mummy’s boy go?)

  2. Oh, I love this!
    I’ve heard that the dynamic between daughters and parents is often quite different to boys, but I wonder whether a childs position in the family has just as much of an impact. I say this because I’m noticing very similar things with my boys. E used to be such a mummy’s boy but now he often chooses other people over me *sob* and is determined to be independent. Whereas baby J wants to live in my armpit 24 hours a day.
    I guess as soon as you have that 2nd child it dawns on you how completely unique each one is.
    Beautiful words and photos. I especially love the one of E squishing H ;) How good natured is that boy?!!!!
    Xx

  3. Aww, lovely.
    I’m mum to one beautiful boy. I do wonder sometimes what it will be like having more kids, as I hope to in the future. One thing’s for sure – motherhood will always just be the best thing ever.
    Great, heartwarming post x

  4. Love this post. I wrote a similar one so its nice to know I’m not alone! I remember feeling so FULL up of love with my little bean i was scared i wasn’t capable of loving bites equally.
    Turns out like you said we are capable but it IS a different love I have for each of my girls because they are so different.

  5. i loved reading this post! i’ve just got my son who has just turned one, there’s something about him reaching this age that has got me thinking of baby number two. on one hand the idea fills me with excitement and i like the idea of the age gap not being huge between them, but on the other i come over all panicky and unable to comprehend how i would do it….and i’m not even pregnant ha ha. it’s so nice to read blogs were people are doing it (and it’s not the end of the world ;) and being honest about how difficult it can be but also how amazing.

  6. I was worried too about having two children. I wondered how you juggle it but turns out I didn’t really need to worry. All you really need is good time management.
    What I worried most about though was the fact I was having a boy. I was really scared I wouldn’t know how to be a mother to a son. It almost like I was going to be a brand new mum again. Turns out I was right in the fact that boys and girls are different. Even in his first year I hav noticed the difference between having a girl and a boy but as yet it hasn’t phased me.
    My daughter will always be so special because it was at her birth that I became a mother which was the single most amazing thing I have ever done. She’s also my princess, the girl I always pictured me having and is my little best friend. My son though is so special because he’s my baby and he’ll always be. I love that he’s a total mummy’s boy and I look forward to him being all grown up and looking after his mama. His birth was also so significant because the moment he was born my family became complete. I could ramble on for hours about how much I love my kids. They are just so amazing!

  7. Lovely post. My experience with my two girls is that the older (aged 4) wants more distance from me now and has done for a while. She adores her Daddy and wails so loudly sometimes when she wants him and he’s not there. But there’s a few things still that she still wants me for. She often refuses hugs from me but if she’s scared…
    My younger (aged 21 months) is glued to me. Always.

  8. What a lovely post! I was only talking to my husband yesterday about loving our children differently but equally. It’s nice to see other families experiencing the same feelings. It’s great to see their little personalities develop and how that shapes relationships.

  9. Love this post, I have two girls but can relate to many of the things you said, my eldest is very grown up these days quite mature for her age and super sensible, my youngest is the wild child, adventurous, fearless and full of fun, it is amazing how different they are despite both being girls and growing up in the same environment.

  10. A lovely post. How you describe your feelings about Hux is how I feel about my daughter. Perhaps it is more to do with personality rather than gender. Either way, it’s so lovely to read about amazing relationships between parents and their children. It’s the best!

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